Officiator: We are here as reasoning, thinking, adults
to
witness the confirmation of the atheism of this woman.
There are no circles, candles, incense or any trapping of
religious
ceremony
on this solemn, skeptical occasion.
If you're likely to be offended, you might as well leave now,
and never
talk to this woman again about deities, crystals,
tarot, or anything similar. And, if at the end of the ceremony
you feel
you haven't been fully offended... see me later.
Officiator: (Candidate's name), please stand up in front
of
these
witnesses, and greet them
Candidate:: "Hello everybody!"
Officiator: What is it you wish to confirm here,
publicly, today?
Candidate: That I believe all religions are tosh,
nonsense,
fairy
tales, and tarradiddle.
Officiator: And the name of your anti-deity sponsor who
will
stand
by you, support you, aid and abet you - on this special day?
Candidate: (gives anti-sponsor's name).
Officiator: And do you, (anti-sponsor's name), have
anything to
give to (candidate's name) on this, the occasion of her/his
anti-confirmation?
Anti-Sponsor: Yes, I have this small token to remind
her/him of
the declaration s/he is making today.
Officiator: What name do you take as your
anti-confirmation
choice?
Candidate: (states chosen name).
Officiator: And what is your creed?
Candidate: Given that my adult belief is that all
deities,
spirits,
elementals, deamons, loa and similar do not exist outside of the
human
imagination - people should just be NICE to each other, and
enjoy life.
This is not a dress rehersal.
Officiator: Do you fully recognise that atheism is
properly
philosophically
defined as your lack of belief in a deity - not
your positive belief that all religions are drivel?
Candidate: Yes, but that's a bit dull. I believe they're
all
crud.
Officiator: As evidence of this lack of belief now listen
to
these
names, and declare your opinion of their existence:
the deity known variously as `God', `Yahweh', `Jehovah',
`Allah',
'Sweet
Jesus' and all other pseudonyms thereof.
the deities Cthulu, Yog Sottoth, Shub Niggrath and all of
Lovecraft's
other
unpronouncable beasties.
the deities of: Egypt: Ra, Isis, Osiris, Anubis and the rest of
the
incestuous
horde.
the deities of Sumer and Babylon: Ishtar, Enki, Enlil, Tiamat
and all
the
others whose names should have been forgotten long ago.
the deities of the Greek and Roman empires - Diana, Zeus, Pan
and the
rest
of the bacchanalian mob.
the deities of India and it's environs - Kali, Brahman, Krishna
and the
others whose names we've all heard but aren't quite sure who
they are.
the deities of the Far Eastern lands - Amaterasu, Kwan-Yin,
Wen-Chang-Ta-Ti,
O-Wata-Tsumi, P'an-T'ao and all the others with silly hyphenated
names.
the deities of the Celtic world - Badb, Epona, Dagda, Cerridwen
and all
the ones with names that nobody can pronounce correctly.
the deities of Europe - Thor, Loki, Figg, Perun and all the
others that
put the da da da daaaaaaaa dah! into Wagner.
the deities of North and South America, Arctic and Antarctica -
Sedna,
Quetzcoatl, Wendigos, Baron Samadhi and the rest of the dead
chicken
brigade.
the deities of Oceania & Australasia: bunyips, Tu, Maui, the
rainbow
serpent, Djangawaal sisters and others a bit obscure for most
Europeans.
the deities of Africa - Dxui, Juok Bumba, Kalumba and all the
other
creator
God/esses.
Officiator. Um, I'm sure I've missed a few. somebody help me..
have your witnesses in the audience primed to shout out a few
suggestions
and see if it catches on,
(your Anti-Sponsor can say at any point "Stay strong", "you can do it", "are you SURE?", etc to support the Candidate)
when name suggestions stop continue with,
Officiator: Any deity or spirit wherever, whoever and by
whatever
name.
Candidate has answered variously throughout the
Officiator's
names,
and the Witnesses suggestions: cobblers, tripe, balderdash,
nonsense,
archetype
from the realm of myth, crap, drivel, shite, nope, imaginary
friend,
doesn't
exist, etc.
Officiator: Do you swear that you will try to stay true
to this
lack of belief and faith - no matter how drunk you get, how
hungover,
maudlin
or miserable - no matter how pretty the sunset or sunrise?
Candidate: Yes
Officiator: Will you try to stay true to these vows, grit
you
teeth,
and hold onto your atheism no matter how scary the short-cut
you've
just
taken, how seedy the club you've walked into, how fast the car
is
going,
or what stupid mess you've gotten into?
Candidate: Yes.
Officiator: Do you promise to try and stop swearing by
the names
on non-existent creations of the human condition. Yes. This does
include
"Oh Gawd".
Candidate: I'll try.
Officiator: Then take these boots (or chosen item) -
symbol of
standing
on your own two feet - and go forth to be a figure of
anti-superstition,
skepticism, rationality, and disbelief in the eyes of the world.
Know
that
your anti-deity sponsor, and these witnesses here gathered, will
remind
you of these declarations at every given opportunity - if they
feel you
are backsliding - or if it seems like a good laugh.
Now then - enough of this - everyone - GET THEE HENCE TO THE
BAR!!!